Salad.

Yes, salad.

You know, the green stuff?

You get ‘salad’ on a burger.. which is usually lettuce, a scrap of tomato, maybe some onion if the ache-ridden teen in the sweatkitchen at the back feels like it.

You can get ‘salad’ at many pubs and restaurants, you know, the garnish on your chicken schnitzel, which may be lettuce, and a fuckton of watered down vinigerette?

Well, let me show you the new salad: Salrad.

Salrad should be pronounced ‘Sad-RAD!’, as in “Salad that is Radical!”, because it is. It is the best thing since.. well.. ever!


INGREDIENTS


Lettuce

The green stuff. The rabbit food. You can get Cos lettuce or you can get normal lettuce.. or you can get loose lettuce, which is a combination of butter lettuce, cos, normal, and even purple varieties! These usually retail between $13-$20/kg at vege shops, but you don’t need a lot by weight, just grab a handful per person. WASH THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR LETTUCE BEFORE SERVING. Get a lettuce washing machine if you need, but wash the fuckers. Don’t ruin a salrad by finding a stone or dirt or half a caterpillar in your green. 


Tomato

The red stuff. Usually you find the big ones, or the ones still on vines, or the egg shaped ‘Roma’ variety. What you need to get is ‘Cherry’ or ‘Grape’ tomatoes, whatever is in season. From between $2-$4/punnet, you get a few dozen of these babies. Unless your salrad consumers have no teeth, don’t cut or quarter the baby tomatoes. Keep them whole, and let them pop their sweet goodness when you stick your fork in them and stuff them in your mouth.


Cucumber

The green phallus. The cucumber saw a rise in popularity at the grocer when teens and young adults thought it was hilarious to purchase this vegetable in combination with lubricant, condoms, and or coathangers. You can usually find a few different types of cucumber, usually continental (long, thin, covered in plastic), or Lebanese (shorter, thicker, no plastic). I prefer using the latter, but if they aren’t in season, the former is ok. In preparing these, if you aren’t a fan of the skin, try half-peeling them, so you have a stripe of skin/non-skin going around the vege. Slice thinly, and half if you can’t handle the girth.


Carrot

The orange stuff. What is up, doctor. This vege has vitamins and junk, but it’s crunchy and tasty to boot. If you haven’t yet tried this popular ranga vege, I suggest you try it. You can unch-crunch to your hearts content, and be a better person for it. And probably have more friends too. I prefer to cut this into wheels, as opposed to grating, as the grated carrot tends to dry out quicker. After peeling of course.


Capsicum

The not-chilli stuff. Capcisum, also known as ‘bell pepper’ or just ‘peppers’ in the United States of Boring Salad, these suckers come in multiple colours, namely green, red, yellow, yellowy orange, kinda orange, half and half green and red, and permuations of the above. This is a very fresh crisp vege, with more water content than carrot, and tasty to boot. To prepare, discard the seeds, and chop into managable pieces. I prefer about 2cmx2cm, or that added surface area of awesome.



OPTIONAL, BUT DELECTABLE EXTRAS

Avocado

The squishy green stuff. Avo may only be known to you mixed with thickened soured cream and called Guaca-MOLEY!. But, it’s actually pretty good on it’s own. Full of good fats and stuff. With this vege, don’t use it unless it’s in season, and you find a good specimin. Many a time I’ve had a salrad fall below par due to inferior avocado. Avos should be firm, yet squishy, nice and fresh to smell, and preferably no bruises. You prepare this baby like a mango: Being aware there’s a big fuck-off seed in the middle, gently cut around the seed along the longer sides of the sucker, twist to separate the sides. Using a decent knife, give the seed a good bang so your knife is stuck in it, a quarter turn to the left (or right, usually) should dislodge the sucker from it’s squishy cavity. Remove the embedded seed, then made cuts into the flesh, careful not to cut the skin, both vertically and hoizontally, and remove the segments with a spoon.


Olive

The.. well.. olive stuff. Olives are awesome. They can be pressed into olive oil, but the whole specimen is tasty. I prefer green olives myself, but you can’t readily find fresh pitted unfilled green olives (except at Harris Farms), so I end up having to settle for the kalamata variety. You should buy these pre-pitted, so tucking into your salrad doesn’t end in Sore-tooth City. You don’t need a lot, just about half a dozen per person. 

Bocconcini

The cheesy stuff. You know how you get pizza, right? And you get the stringy yellow cheese stuff with all the oil and what not? Well, mozzerella can be yellow, or it can be white, stored in brine. Bocconcini is the baby version of this, also stored in brine. Again, you don’t need much of these, maybe half a dozen or so for each person. Depending if you can find the baby baby ones, you might need to cut up your cheesy goodness, into manageable pieces.

Bean sprouts

On occasion, I like to add some sort of salad bean into the salrad. Be it alfalfa sprouts, mungbeans, or bean sprouts, they make a crunchy fibrous addition to the mix.


PREPARATION

If you read each paragraph, you shouldn’t need to know how to prepare each vege. However, if you haven’t go back and check. Done? Ok. Once you have each vege wahed/peeled/diced/sliced/prepared in whatever which way, throw them all into a bowl and toss it about.

No, not that kind of toss. Get a spoon or, heaven forbid you actually have salad tongs, shuffle the different ingredients together, so you don’t have all your veges in separate areas of the bowl.


SERVING

Plonk it on your serving implement, be it bowl, plate, whatever.


CONSUMPTION

Stab at it with a fork, and shove it in your face. It’s fucking tasty.



CONCLUSION

Get some vege into you. This is an awesome way to do it.

BELATED PICTURE

This had added mushroom. That’s a fungus that tastes awesome. You can make gravy out of it, but WASH THE FUCKER.

(this article first appeared in Geek Food on OCAU)